“self” has crossed my mind.There have been times when I have been so confused and so down that if a meteor came out of the sky and hit me on the head and took me to the next plane, that I wouldn’t mind. No, I never plotted a suicide… at least, not a bodily one.I just didn’t want to be “here” like “that.”The more I learned about my “self” and my “ego” the more I thought that I just might have to kill it.But lately, I’ve been looking at all this in a different way.I am being taught to have compassion for my ego/self.Now, when a destructive or sabotaging thought comes into my head, I stop and realize that it is my ego. Then I kind of talk to my ego (in my head, mostly) the way I would talk to a little girl who is acting out because she is afraid or wants love.So maybe, it is not about killing anything, but loving it so much that it feels less threatened. I have always had a really hard time accepting less than perfect or wounded aspects of myself… until now and I can feel a big difference in my life. How can I expect others to love me unconditionally or me love them that way, when I can’t even love myself that way?And, if I only love what I perceive to be good about me, well, that’s conditional.Sometimes, when I do my gratitude list, after all the “obvious” blessings, I list those things about me that I would otherwise beat myself up for… ie: my jealousy, my selfishness, my immaturity, my insecurity… and it makes me smile and feel loved in a way that I have really never known. I am happiest when I can feel grateful for it all, the good, bad and the ugly… it’s truly all beautiful.
Here are a couple of videos of Byron Katie (click on Byron Katie) that I found extremely helpful on this journey. Hope you enjoy them too.
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