After The Thrill, is it Gone?

In my studio. My refuge…as my piano once was and still is when I make time to play it.

I’ve created so many works in this collection (Aftermath) and I can feel a bit of the ‘thrill’ or inspiration starting to wane…more like morph. I’m determined to be patient as the muse shifts.

I am listening to Elizabeth Gilbert read her book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, on audible for the second time and it is literally changing my life, my attitude and opening up my mind in so many ways when it comes to my creativity. Talk about a wake up call…

I listen to her wise words and humor while I work, drive and any other free time I find to sit still and listen. During this break up time with social media, I am finding that I have more time to think about things, more time to think about how I want to think about things… letting up on desperation, desire and the intensity of wanting to be a successful artist.

It’s uncanny, that in her book, she talks quite a lot about the writer’s life and though I’ve produced four books, I still don’t really feel like a writer… even though I have been published in books, magazines and newspapers and have been writing prose, poetry and songs since I’m 16.

In a way, I have forgotten that I am a writer in the midst of working in a new medium though every morning, in my high performance planner when it asks, “what big project do I have to keep in mind that I want to take on, even if I can’t act towards it right now” – I always write the same thing…”DeConstruction.”

Truth be told, I’ve been writing that daily for about 2 years now. After ingesting the words and wisdom of the inspiring Liz Gilbert, I found myself asking the question, “Am I still captivated by the philosophical question, “Who am I, without all that I do?”

In looking for the exact year that I started this project I stumbled on this entry on my blog from 2013:

Deconstruction is a narrative self-portrait series about the stripping away of old beliefs and identities and the reconstruction of a belief system that opens the door to living a fulfilled life. The deeper I get into this series (aka my life), the more I get that I (how I have known me up until now) have very little to do with it in some way and that the ideas about it show up all hours of the day and night. If I listen and take their cue, I am fortunate enough to move forward in conveying this process with reasonable explanation.”  

The premise, from above, hasn’t changed much however, within the last 8 years, (I started this project in 2012), I am beginning to come to the conclusion that what I do and who I am may be inseparable…and while I have always disdained the concept of defining oneself, ie: I’m a lawyer, an athlete, etc., I am now asking the question, if what I do is who I am, then is what I am defining what I do? OMG!

So… is the thrill gone? For DeConstruction and for creating pieces for “Aftermath?” I’m not sure…. jury is still out.

Perhaps, I have not reached the great success I have always wanted in my work, be it music, photography and painting because it never feels like work… it’s more like breathing… and having an inanimate family that soothes, loves unconditionally and is really reliable if I let it be.

OK, enough for today. It’s Friday and though I kid myself all the time about quitting imbibing… I have deemed Friday party days… time to well, party! Even if I just take a little toke of weed and check out just a little… I just hope it doesn’t end in oreos and doritos.

Happy Weekend… or as happy as we can make it in the middle of this pandemic and upheaval….

So much love and light on your paths….



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